I'm nothing, you are nothing,
we are nothing
March 31, 2026 (edited: April 6, 2026)
Background music to set the vibe. Click the play button and the music should work :) (it also works even when you exit the browser). There's only 2 songs cause this is a quick read but if you're interested, I have a playlist of what I listened to while writing this! Here's the link: Playlist.
Passage from Qiu Miaojin's "Notes of a Crocodile"
It was entirely one-sided yet life, for a brief moment, felt peaceful.
When someone abruptly enters your life, you might think why didn’t they come sooner? When they disappear on you just as abrupt and starts acting like you never knew each other, like the moments you shared together never existed, you start to question everything. You trace back to every single thing you did together and every single word you’ve said to her to figure out why she left. What evil thing have you done to deserve to be treated like that? Now you’re faced with the reality that you’re someone who can never be loved and can easily be put away. So you scream and you cry and cry every single day.
You take down all your pictures together and put the things related to her in a box to bury. Now you take on the challenge to go on your phone, look at your photos together, and delete it. But you can’t bear to. You wanted to drink, and smoke, and do all the things people do to forget but whenever you drink, she appears in your mind. So you decide to never drink again because as much as you want to see her, a mere illusion would never compare to the real person.
Friends tell you “it’s not worth it”, “there are other fish in the sea”, and “you just need to move on”. But they don’t know, they couldn’t have known how saying those things only made it worse. They don’t know how much you liked that person I mean, how could you? You only hang out when you’re with other people, she rarely replies to your messages, and when you’re alone together, you can’t even speak properly. You never truly knew her sohow could you possibly like a person whom you practically don’t know?
But if this isn’t liking someone then what is it? Did you just manipulate yourself into thinking that every time you talked about music, about the world, about art, the connection you felt was just platonic? That whenever she looks into your eyes, you feel nothing? That hearing her voice and laugh doesn’t, in the least bit, make your heart race? Was it all in your mind? Were you just lonely? So, how are you supposed to “move on” from something that was never truly anything?
You swear to never speak of her again and act like it doesn’t bother you. You push it down deep in your throat and you pray that it never chokes yous.
But the universe is never kind.
Just when you thought you were getting better, someone asks about her. You pause, suddenly the air is thin, that thing in your throat creeps up but with some determination, you push it off with a painful laugh and leave, but it doesn’t leave your mind.
You’re tired. Lost. You thought to reach out one last time and then it’s over. The thought stays in your mind for several days, you knew it was futile, foolish, but you didn’t want to regret not doing anything so you sent it. No reply. Once again you’re disappointed but this time, you expected it. You were prepared so it shouldn’t bother you as much, right? Still, you struggle. The feeling doesn’t leave you, it settles deep inside and you don’t know what to do.
You realize you’re at the end and you’re grieving. You grieve for the time you had with her and grieve for what you could’ve been together. Now you suffer and let yourself suffer until you get tired of suffering, until you don’t care anymore, until you can say that none of it truly matters now and mean it. You’re not there yet but you will be, however long that might be.
I'M NOT A WRITER. Most of my blogposts will come from my journal so please don't expect too much T-T. This blog in particular is a slightly edited journal entry I wrote last december + another entry from march.